The Insanity Chronicles
by WRE
Summary: What, oh what, oh what was I on? Did you think I had talent before? Well you won't now! Strange how the imagination wanders at half past four in the morning...
1. Default Chapter Title

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Come, picture the scene, my friends, and allow me, if you will, to transport you into another world, a world of fantasy and fiction, a time and place when reality becomes the imaginary in an instant and where nothing is impossible…

A girl sits in front of her computer, the glow from its screen the only light in the otherwise darkened room. The girl has short hair and glasses. This, my friends, is the legendary Charlz, authoress extraodinaire. She is surprisingly awake, considering it is half past four in the morning. A bottle of coke stands nearly empty on the desk beside her; possibly the reason for her surprising alertness and sporadic giggles. 

Suddenly four figures appear in the room with her. She does not notice.

One of the figures, trying not to laugh, touches a wand to her hair, which is now bright blue. 

"George!" says one of the other people, and the girl turns around suddenly.

"Oh…my…" She reaches up and switches on the light, strangely calm considering that four strange blokes have just apparated into her living room.

"Who the hell are….Fred and George Weasley? You do realise you…"

"…don't exist!" the twins finish in unison. "Look, we know," one continues. "Damn it, we've been in so many of these things, and every time we've been told we don't exist…"

"Does nothing for a guy's self confidence, you know…" the other adds.

"Oh shut up," says another of the figures, elbowing the twins out of the way. It is none other than a young Sirius Black, accompanied by Remus Lupin. He kneels down before the girl, who is standing now and still hasn't noticed that her hair is blue.

"I doth pledge mine services to thee, oh fair and gracious lady, and whatever thine bidding, that shalt I undertake with the lightest of hearts…"

Charlz looks at the bottle of coke on the desk, evidently wondering if she got the wine by mistake again.

"Er…yeah, whatever."

"Ignore him," Remus says, his eyes twinkling. "He's terminally insane. You're NOT CADOGAN, PADFOOT! Oh, and your hair Charlz….George…well, he…it's…"

Charlz walks to a mirror.

"Oh my god! Turn it back, now!" turning on both the twins, not sure which one did this to her.

"OK, hang on," says the offending Weasley, and produces a wand from inside his robes.

"Oh, hey, actually," says Charlz, "I kind of like it! It's very…me."

The twins both breathe a sigh of relief.

"They didn't know how to change it back anyway!" Remus says, not entirely helpfully.

"What the hell are you doing here anyway? Not that I'm not glad you're here, but, I mean, none of you exist….except you, Remus," Charlz says. "I always knew you were real and that one day we'd fall in love and get married and….er, yeah…anyway."

"Well it's not our fault!" says Sirius. "Who's writing this bloody thing? Not us, I think you'll find…"

"Oh, hey yeah. Oh cool, so, I can get ANYONE I WANT here?" she asks, brandishing a wand that suddenly appeared in her hand. "COOL! ELLIE! FRAJMO! ACCIO FRIENDS!"

"No, no," says Remus, "That's not right. Look." He takes her hand holding the wand in one of his, and kind of waves it around.

"You've gotta wave the wand, like THIS!"

"OK." She tries again.

"ACCIO FRIENDS!"

"Shhhh, you'll wake your family!"

"Hey, this is my weird thought, and if I say my family won't wake up, they won't! Oh, can I make my brother not exist?"

"No," says a cold harsh voice. "I am still here."

"Hey! How did you get here?" Charlz yells at her brother. "This is MINE DAMN IT! I didn't say you could be here!"

Suddenly the room is crammed full of people. Presumably Charlz's friends. The thing is, the room's really teeny and they can't all fit in.

"HEY!" Charlz yells. "There's no space! Get lost! Except, er…you, Ellie, Liz and…where's Frej?"

All the people have gone except a small blonde girl and a really tall, also blonde, girl.

"Dunno. Hey, what's going on here? Hey, Sirius Black! Coool! Sirius, I love you!"

"Er, excuse me?" says the smaller girl. "Oh cool hair Charlz. Where were we? Oh yeah! He's mine!" Sirius backs into a corner and looks scared while Charlz's best mates argue over whose he is.

"Oh well NOBODY FIGHT OVER US THEN!" say the Weasley twins, looking hurt, and are ignored by everyone.

"OH SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE!" Charlz yells. Everyone looks scared now.

"Sorry," she says, quietly. "Just hang on a sec, I'm trying to argue with my brother!" She gestures her brother. Strange looking bloke with narrow red eyes he is.

"That's not your brother, that's Voldemort!" Remus shouts. There is a loud crack and Dobby appears on the coffee table.

"Speak not the name, sir, ah speak not the name!" he moans, covering his ears, and with another crack he has gone.

After that brief interlude, everyone turns back to the more pressing problem. That is, that Charlz's brother is, in fact, Voldemort.

"OH MY GOD!" she shrieks. "MY BROTHER IS VOLDEMORT!"

Once more Dobby appears.

"Speak not the name!"

And once more he is gone.

Suddenly, panic ensues as everyone realises that they're in a small room with the most evil wizard ever.

Remus wraps his arms around Charlz.

"I'll protect you," he mutters, looking into her eyes. Everything stops, and everyone has gone. Music is playing from somewhere in the distance and they are left alone in the centre of the room…Remus leans down and…

"Oh this is STUPID!" Charlz says. Remus looks hurt. "Not that I don't want to, you know," she assures him. "I am in love with you and all. It's just that, well, I've just discovered that my brother is Voldemort!"

Dobby appears with a crack. This is getting kind of annoying.

"Ah! Speak not the name!"

And yet again, he's gone.

Charlz blinks, shakes her head slightly and continues. "Anyway, and then there's all this stupid time stopping and music playing…it's kind of, well…stupid. Later, OK?"

Remus nods.

"Hey, come back everyone!" he says. Everyone comes back.

"Hey, where's Voldemort?" says Ellie. "Wasn't he here a minute ago?"

Dobby appears with a crack.

"DON'T EVEN BOTHER!" everyone screams at him.

Dobby sits down and glares mutinously at Charlz. She, and everyone else present, looks around for signs of her ex-brother.

"I just don't get it!" she is muttering. "Why didn't he tell me? We could have got counselling! We could have gone on Trisha and she could have given us completely stupid and irrelevant advice! Oh my god, my brother is Voldemort. My brother is Voldemort! And he's in my house and he's going to kill us all! What will we do? Oh, what will we do?"

Remus takes her hand.

"Look, don't worry. We can put him in a room with Gilderoy Lockhart (or perhaps David Lea – the question is, which is worse…) for an hour or two! They can finish each other off!"

"Hey! Why didn't I think of that!" Charlz says, smiling at him. Just then, Fred, or George, spots Voldemort sitting cross-legged under the dining table, eyes closed, meditating.

"What is he DOING?" Sirius wonders out loud.

"I heard that," Voldemort says. "I am discovering my inner self. It's great, you should try it," he adds opening one red eye and looking at Sirius. "Join me?"

"I don't think so!"

"Oh please? PLEEEASE? PRETTY, PRETTY PLEASE?"

Sirius looks terrified. Charlz's tall friend, Liz, takes his hand and tries to calm him down, earning herself malevolent glares from Ellie.

"So," Remus starts timidly, "you aren't going to, er…murder us horribly?"

"Oh, no, no no no no brain! I mean, yes! I mean, NO! That part of my life is all in the past! I have become a new dark wizard, one who is kind, caring, loving and sharing and giving…"

Remus looks at him scornfully. 

"Get lost."

"Arghhh! Arghhhh! Nooo! Where am I! I don't know where I am!"

A hard kick from Charlz shuts him up. Suddenly the phone rings. Dobby answers it.

"Hello?" he squeaks. "It's…Freyja," he says to Charlz. "She says when is she going to be in this."

"OH! Oh hey! Tell her to come round now and sorry."

Dobby squeaks this down the receiver.

"Hey, Dobby," says Voldemort from under the table. "Want to join me in my new life? Feel like a spiritual journey? We can travel this world, learning from nature and preparing for the next." Everyone gives him sceptic looks. "It's the key to wisdom, to understanding, to knowing who we are and what we are here for!" he says.

"Oh, alright then," says Dobby. 

"Grrooooovvy, baby!" says Voldemort. He clicks his fingers and a psychadellic camper van appears in the living room.

"Whoa! Cool van!" says Charlz.

"We should get a van and travel the world," says Remus, kissing her neck.

"Look, honey, later alright?"

Remus looks disgruntled.

"Our van would be better than that," he mutters.

"Wanna bet?"

"Er…no," says Remus, remembering Voldemort's old, evil self.

"I was once the most powerful man on this planet!" Voldemort begins to sing, to the tune of Dark of the Night from Anastasia.

"Out of all the dark wizards they feared me the most!

But now I'm as docile and sweet as a…docile-and-sweet-thiiinng!"

Most people are covering their ears. Sirius, daring to uncover his and go nearer, holds a wand to Voldie's throat.

"Stop. Singing," he says. He really can be quite threatening. 

Voldie looks scared. He's stopped singing, thankfully for humankind. Sirius removes the wand and everyone uncovers their ears as Voldie and Dobby start stuffing stuff into a gigantic suitcase. All of a sudden, Madame Maxime materialises.

"Ey!" she says loudly. "Zat is my zootkess! Now do I know where az it gone to! You haz stole my neauveau zootkess! Zat is faairy rude!"

"Get lost!" Dobby, up to Madame Maxime's ankle, squeaks at her.

"Arghhh! Help! Where am I?"

"Oh shut up. We've had that one today! Go away!"

Madame Maxime goes away. Charlz feels she is rapidly losing control of the situation.

Voldemort and Dobby are prepared to get into the van and leave when Hermione appears. She walks around to the back of the van.

"Alohomora!" she says, tapping the door handles with her wand. The back doors spring open and stage smoke pours out from inside.

Hermione turns to them. Sirius and Liz are, er…getting to know each other on the dining table. Ellie is staring at Hermione, with that expression that says "huh?". Charlz and Remus have their arms wrapped around each other but are staring bewildered at Hermione. The Weasley twins are trying to set Ellie's hair on fire without her noticing. Voldie and Dobby just seem annoyed that they can't get into their van. And that it appears to be full of smoke.

"Tonight, Matthew," says Hermione with un-called-for excitement, "I am going to be Freyja Sears!" The sound of people cheering seems to be coming from inside the van as Hermione enters it and is hidden from view by the smoke. Voldie wonders how all those people got in his psychadellic campervan. Half a second later, a girl with brown hair and a slightly inane smile emerges from the van.

"Frej!" says Charlz. "Hey! Oh, look, Voldemort…" (everyone pauses, waiting for Dobby's plaintive cries begging them to speak not the name. Incidentally, they don't come) "…and Dobby are about to embark on a spiritual tour of enlightenment!"

"Cool!" says Freyja. "Can I come?" she asks Voldie, who eyes her appraisingly. 

"Alright then!"

Charlz and Remus both grab one of Freyja's arms.

"She's staying here," Charlz says levelly.

Freyja struggles but eventually gives in. Voldemort and Dobby climb into the van and it disappears, leaving everyone wondering what the hell just happened.

"Hey! I wanted spiritual enlightenment too!"

"No you didn't. Trust me, I'm not a doctor!"

"You're not? OK, I trust you then."

"Hey, let's dance!" says Charlz. She switches on the stereo and sticks on the nearest CD. It's Savage Garden. One of the Weasley twins asks Freyja to dance.

"Ok," she says, and they waltz to Affirmation. The other Weasley twin slow dances with Ellie. 

Another three people appear beside Remus and Charlie before they get a chance to make fools of themselves trying to dance.

"Katherine! Graham! Liesal! Hey! How did you get here? Anyway, join in the, er…wackiness! Kath, there's popcorn in the kitchen. Not enough for you, I'll wager, but anyway." 

Katherine and Graham head off to the kitchen to raid the fridge.

"What's happening?" Liesal says. "These people…something's strange. Hey! They all have hair! They must be related!"

"Liesal, WHAT are you on about?"

"What did the elephant say to the trampoline?"

"I don't know," says Charlz exasperatedly. "What DID the elephant say to the trampoline?"

Liesal gives her a confused, lost child kind of look.

"I don't know. That's why I asked you!"

"Liesal, you are SOO dappy!" says Ellie. Everyone who knows Liesal and gets the far-too-long-going joke laughs hysterically while everyone else looks on in confusion.

"I'm not….oh I give up!" With a small pop, she's gone.

Sirius and Liz are no longer on the table. They seem to be under it.

"Oh, please, leave!"

Sirius and Liz disappear.

"Cool."

Remus stars talking in Swahili. Everyone else, not knowing Swahili, thinks he has gone insane. Remus, not knowing Swahili, thinks he has gone insane. Everyone laughs except Remus, who seems disturbed by the fact that he has forgotten how to speak English.

There is a small pop and Argus Filch apparates into the centre of the room.

"Alright, all of you, in my office NOW! Having fun! Oh, I'll get you for this. Laughing! Having fun, honestly!" He shakes his head, and he, along with everyone else in the room, disappears. Katherine and Graham come through from the kitchen to wonder what is going on and where everyone has gone.

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And now my friends, you leave this world

Into which you were so unfairly hurled

I know you may have been rather scared

But against the insanity well you fared

You must have, for you passed the test

You didn't crack so now you can rest

After getting to the end, past all you did see 

I'm sure that now you must agree

That there never was a tale that was more mad

No, stranger tales can not be had 

That was the strangest in all its glory 

I do hope that you liked my story 

If you did, or you did not 

Please write reviews, I like them a lot 

I'm going now, it's the middle of the night

But remember, feed me and I write!


	2. Default Chapter Title

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So, my friends, you wish to return to that world of happy madness that you visited once before? Then picture the scene once more, and we will begin…

There are far too many people in Argus Filch's office than can comfortably fit in. In fact, there are more people in there than can possibly fit in, according to all laws of physics and other intellectual stuff. But as none of this is real, and besides, none of these people understand physics, they're all in there. There is Charlz, the legendary, world renowned fan fic authoress. There are her friends, Ellie, Liz and Freyja. There are Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and the Weasley twins, Argus Filch himself and a number of strange men in black suits and bowler hats who keep saying "good day there", "I say how are you old chap", "splendid" and other similar stuff. Oh and there's Britney Spears.

One of the Weasley twins spots Britney Spears and screams in absolute terror.

"Make her leave, make her leave!" he yells in the direction of Charlz, who is theoretically controlling this whole thing.

"Please," says Argus Filch. "Please, just don't let her sing!"

"Alright, alright," says Charlz, taking charge as best she can, which is well considering she's stuck under a desk unable to move.

"Get lost Britney!"

"Ooh, hit me baby one more time!" Britney sings. Well, perhaps sings isn't the right word. Anyway, everyone who is capable of hitting her, baby, one more time, is only too happy to oblige. Apart from Fred Weasley, who is too afraid.

Britney, thankfully, disappears. Everyone breathes a huge sigh of relief.

"Oh good day old chap!" says a man in a bowler hat to Remus.

"Er….yeah," says Remus. "Er…Charlz? Who are these blokes?"

"No idea. But look, I've found out how to get rid of them!"

"How?"

"Observe."

There is a little more room now Britney Spears has gone, so Charlz can get out from under the desk and stand up. 

"SPICE GIRLS!" she says loudly to one of the random blokes in bowler hats, who looks scared.

"Where? Where?" he says nervously before disappearing.

"Cool!" Everyone else catches on and a few minutes later all the random blokes have gone too, which means we can get on with the non-existent story.

"So," says Argus Filch, "you think yourselves above the law, is that it? You think that just because this is all in YOUR HEAD…" He points at Charlz in an obvious and futile attempt to look dramatic. "You think that just because of that, it is alright for you to commit vile and base crimes, crimes so heinous…"

He continues in this vein for some time. Everyone wonders what their crimes were, having forgotten, apart from Ellie who is busy trying to convince Sirius that he loves her. It's not working and Liz is looking slightly murderous. Sirius is just looking worried, probably hoping that they're not going to start fighting over whose he is again.

"Er….excuse me?" says George to Filch. "Er, how did we break all laws of civilised society? What did we actually do again?"

Snape, aged about eighteen as Remus and Sirius are, materialises on Filch's desk wearing a tutu and stripy tights. Everyone recoils slightly as he is truly vile.

"Why are you wearing that stuff?" Sirius yells to him.

"What stuff?" says Snape, looking down at himself. "I always wear this! Mummy says it makes me look pretty…"

"Oh god," says Charlz in horror.

"Anyway, Filch," says this even more horrific (if that's possible) version of Snape than the one we know and don't love. Or even like. "What did they do?"

Then he spots Remus.

"WEREWOLF!" he screams. "HE'S A WEREWOLF!"

Remus looks hurt.

"At least I don't wear tights. And at least I wash my hair!"

"YES BUT HE'S A WEREWOLF!!"

"Yeah, we know," says Charlz.

"You KNOW! You know he's a werewolf? And you don't care?"

"Yeah."

"D'OH!" And with that Snape disappears. He reappears.

"All I wanted to do was make people's lives a misery!" he wails, and is gone again. This time it's forever, we hope.

Remus looks happy that nobody cares he's a werewolf because he's so lovely. Filch decides to tell our heroes what they've done.

"I caught you," he whispers, trying once more to be dramatic. "I caught you…..HAVING FUN!!!"

George and Fred raise their eyebrows.

"Is that it?"

"That's not against the law!"

"Well actually," says Hermione, apparating into the centre of the room with a huge book in her arms, "having fun was outlawed in this land…"

"THIS IS MY LAND!" says Charlz. "I invented this land! It's wanton insanity land where random pink disease can strike at any moment!"

The whole room and everything in it turns pink.

"Oh", says Charlz. "Oops, I did it again, I played with…anyway…"

The room turns blue. Then grey then orange and then half blue and half orange and eventually back to it's normal colours.

"Sorry! Hey…if this is my land…I can make up the laws…coool!" 

She tries to think up some cool law while Hermione tells everyone else that they should be more responsible than to have fun.

"Get lost," says Sirius.

"ARGGHHHH!" says Hermione. "AAHHH WHERE AM I! Help me, I don't know where I am! I'm…"

"Out cold!" says Freyja, having finally had enough of the get lost thing and knocking Hermione over the head with her own book.

"It is illegal for you…" Charlz points at Filch, imitating his not-dramatic expression, "…to exist!" she finishes.

"D'oh," says Filch forlornly, and disappears.

"Hey, let's go to the kitchens!" says Remus. "I'm starving!"

"Cake!" Charlz and Sirius both yell. "Cake cake cake cake cake…"

Ellie falls about laughing hysterically.

"What?" says Liz.

"There were two cows in a field," Ellie manages to gasp before laughing again.

"Huh?" says everyone except Charlz, Freyja and Liz, who know what's coming next.

"There were two cows in a field," Ellie repeats when she's calmed down a bit, "and one fell over!" And she collapses into hysterics again, along with Charlz.

Everyone leaves to get food, and realising they don't know the way to the kitchens, Charlz and Ellie try to calm down and follow them.

In the kitchens of Hogwarts, they find a Professor Trelawney and Winky at a small round table that looks to have come from Professor Trelawney's room in the north tower. Both of them look very, very drunk. The bottles of various kinds of alcohol both on the table and the floor around it confirm this.

"Vee sfeeeeds," says Winky slowly, drinking from a bottle of Vodka. "Vee…vee do not like zee vod-kah. Vee sfeeds neffer, neffer, effer….drink. Hee hee hee!"

"Absolutely right! Never drink, eh? Give us some of that."

"Drowning your sorrows?" Liz asks.

"He doesn't love me!" says Winky, tears running down her cheeks. "He swore that he would marry me but…he, he left me!"

"Who did?"

"Dobby! He left me…for…for Voldemort!"

"Oh, good for him you're a miserable little…" Ron starts, appearing on a hob on one of the many ovens.

Fred walks over to the oven.

"If I press this button," he says maliciously, finger lightly touching a button, "I'll set your arse on fire."

"Uh-oh. I'm off!" A broomstick appears and he gets on it and flies off through the wall.

"I'm not miserable!" Winky wails, dissolving once more into tears.

"It's OK," says Ellie. "We know you're not, it was just Ron being mean. Ignore him. Hey, this is a Harry Potter fic right?"

"Well, theoretically," says Charlz.

"So, where's Harry Potter?"

Suddenly they hear a muffled voice and thumps from somewhere.

"He's in the freezer," says Trelawney, looking happy about this. "Severus put him in there because he was late. Oh isn't he wonderful!"

"What, Harry?"

"No, idiot boy, Severus!"

"You're in love with Snape?" says Remus incredulously.

"She wouldn't be, had she seen him in that, urgh, tutu," Charlz mutters.

"You do know he wears tights?"

"I know! I know, aren't they sexy?"

Everyone looks at her frozen in horror. Then they hear the muffled voice again and remember that Harry is in the freezer.

"Don't let him out!" says Trelawney.

"Why?"

"Horrible fate! Awful death! These await him! He would be safer to stay in that freezer forever. And eskimo, you might…"

"Oh shut up!"

Sirius opens the door and pulls Harry out of the freezer.

"Hi Harry!"

"Who the hell are you? Who are these people? What the hell is going on?"

"Look at this neat trick!" says Sirius, and turns into a dog.

"The grim, the grim, the grim, the grim, the grim!" shrieks Professor Trelawney, and faints.

"Cool!" says Harry. "You can make Professor Trelawney faint! Can you teach me that?"

"No," says Sirius, wishing that Harry had noticed that he can turn into a dog.

"Fred!" says George suddenly. "Fred! I am….your father!"

"No, George, BROTHER, remember??"

"No! I'm your…father!"

"Whatever. Let's eat!"

Winky has fallen asleep at the teeny table, but there are a few other house elves around.

"What does sir want?" one asks Remus.

"Er…a…what does that say?"

The elf is wearing a little badge. Die Hermione Die, it says on it.

"What's that for?" Remus asks. "Hermione's alright! Not as good as you, of course," he assures Charlz.

"She is trying to corrupt our minds sir. We is standing against her. We is making a device to defeat her with! Look!"

The house elf pushes a little lever on the wall. Suddenly all the walls lift up or open like doors to reveal little workshops full of elves building stuff.

"You're going to defeat her with Christmas presents?" says Harry sceptically.

"Yes! We is indeed!"

Not even bothering to try and work out the logic to this, they decide to give up on food and leave.

"Alright. Er…yeah. Ok. Bye."

While they walk the corridors, Charlz shows them a little badge _she_ has on.

"I AM THE ANTI-CHO" it says.

"I have one of them!" says Fred.

"And me!"

"Yeah, me too!"

"Hey, how can we all be the anticho?"

"Hey!" says Harry. "Cho's really nice! I'm in love with her!"

"No you're not. Give it up, admit you're in love with Malfoy!"

"How did you know?" says Harry turning red.

Draco Malfoy apparates right next to them. So does Hermione.

"You can't apparate or disapparate in here! It's impossible! So stop it!" She disapparates.

Everyone blinks and shakes their heads as they've found themselves doing fairly often in the past few hours.

"Anyway," Malfoy drawls. "Do you love me Harry?"

"Well, yeah, actually I do."

"Oh how nice! I love you too! Do you want to go skipping and then pick some flowers?"

"Of course dear! Let me just get my bonnet!"

Malfoy blushes slightly.

"I've already got it for you. Here."

He produces a pink flowery bonnet from his robes and gives it to Harry. He then produces another one.

"Look, I've got a matching one! Do you like it?"

"Yes. Oh aren't bonnets pretty?"

"Wonderful aren't they? Shall we depart?"

"Oh, no, hang on….I have a present for you…"

He produces a package from mid air.

"It's matching dresses, to go with our matching bonnets!"

"Wow! Oh Harry that's so sweeet!"

"I wasn't sure if you liked pink or blue best. So I went for pink. It's much more………feminine! Do you like it?"

"I love it! Thankyou!"

They put on their completely vile dresses.

"Shall we go now?"

"Absolutely."

Harry and Malfoy skip off hand in hand, complete with matching dresses and bonnets.

"Scary," Remus comments.

"Oh, I think they're the perfect couple!" Charlz says.

"Yeah, they are kinda sweet together," Liz agrees.

"Shame Malfoy's gay though. He's kind of cute…"

"Hey! What about me?" says Remus.

"Oh, you're more cute. He just has really nice grey eyes…"

"I have grey eyes too!"

"Yeah. Yeah, I reckon I like you better."

"You reckon?"

"No, I know it. Sorry."

Meanwhile, Ellie is tired.

"I'm tired. I think I'll go to bed for a bit."

"Can I come?" says Sirius.

"Oh so you love me now do you?"

"I always did! Oh pleeeeeeeeeeeease?"

"Yeah, alright."

Liz is about to commit double homicide when a huge hole opens up in the floor in front of them. Being the stupid idiots they are, they walk straight in. But Remus manages to grab Charlz's hand and she is left hanging there over the edge of an extremely deep hole.

Remus is singing. It's not pretty.

"Josephine in a flying machine and it's up she goes, up she…"

"Don't let go!"

"I won't let go!"

He lets go. 

Then he jumps in after everyone else.

A few seconds later he finds himself on a huge sofa with everyone else. Freyja is stroking it fondly.

"Lesbian couch! Aww, little lesbian couch!" (AN – sorry all you people who won't get this or some other of the **jokes**!)

"Where are we?"

"No idea."

Charlz jumps off the couch.

"You are in heaven baby, yeah!" says a massive voice from nowhere.

"OK, well, that just…groovy…baby, but, well…we'll just be…going."

"Psychadellic campervan heaven, man. All good campervans, those groovin' campervans that follow the psychadellist, they come here, yeah baby, when they, like, die man."

"Groovy baby!" says Ellie. She's getting into this groovy, yeah baby stuff. "Let's go and look around!"

So they do. After walking around a bit, they hear music, like humming. And they see, by the light of many candles, endless campervans, all psychadellic but each unique. Sitting in a circle are Voldie, Dobby and two girls. They seem to be teaching the campervans about spiritual questing and meditation.

"To find your inner self you must ask yourself what do you want? When you know what you truly want, then you know who you truly are!" says Voldie.

"What a load of crap!" says Ellie loudly.

One of the campervans puts its hand up. Quite an acheivement for something with no hands.

"How did it do that?"

"No idea…"

"Yes, Sam?" says one of the girls.

"Sam the campervan?"

"Louise?" Charlz yells. "Louise, you're in it! I said you would be!"

"Yey! Hey, scarebowl! And guess who's here too?"

"Hey KTF!"

"Hey CHAAAARLZ."

"Shut up."

"You shut up, we're teaching campervans here.

"So what is this place? These are all….dead campervans?"

"Well, ones with no owners. Poor things. So we reform them, as it were, teach them how to find their inner selves, as we have done!"

Sirius has sudden inspiration.

"Hey! Hey, campervans! We…" He gestured all of them with his hand. "…are going on a tour around the world. The thing is we need a…well, a campervan. Would any of you be willing to take us round the world?" 

"We're going on a tour around the world?"

"Didn't I say we'd go travelling in a campervan?"

"I would!" says that most distinguished among vans, the one they call Sam.

"Campervans can talk?"

And so it is decided. They will go on a tour of the world in a reformed campervan called Sam.

__

It would seem that you are leaving

But you've so much to learn

Like what is going to happen next – 

I know that you'll return

So insanity will reign again

You know that it is true

But if you want me to write more 

(I really don't see why you would

But then again I guess you could)

Then please read and review!!!!!


	3. Default Chapter Title

So you're back. Addicted to the careless rush of insanity, aren't you?! I told you you'd be back, didn't I, didn't I, BWA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!!! 

Computer: Don't give me that look. I'm a computer, I can't see so it really is extremely pointless.

Anyway, the show must go on, so on with the show!!!! Bwa ha ha ha ha!!! And there you were thinking I was relatively normal…

*turns into a bat and flies off *

Charlz, Remus, Sirius, Liz, Freyja, Ellie, Fred and George are standing outside Hogwarts next to Sam the psychadellic campervan, in which they are about to go on a tour of the world. KTF and Lulu have decided to go too, although Voldie and Dobby are staying to teach campervans to find their inner selves.

"Well, you see," says Sam pensively, my old bones…"

"You don't have any bones," says Remus wearily. They have spent the last twenty minutes or so telling Sam what he does and does not have, some examples are eyes, arms, blood…anyway, it's getting rather tiresome.

"Yes, well," says Sam, tearfully although he has no eyes, "you didn't have to point that out. Anyway, I am very slow. In my time it is nothing but in yours it would take me three million, six thousand and five years, seven months, three weeks, four days, seventeen…"

"Get on with it!"

"Yes, well, it will take me three million, six…"

"Grrrr…" Sirius has turned into a dog. A big dog A big, scary dog. A big scary, annoyed dog. A big, scary…

(Everyone: Get ON WITH IT DAMN IT!"

Me: Sorry, sorry, sorry, yes, yes, whatever…")

"Arghh!!!" says Sam. "Arghhhh! Noo! Take it away! I'm scared of dogs!"

"You're scared of dogs?" says Sirius, transforming back into his normal, human, remarkably attractive…

(Me: No. Mustn't think like that. Gotta stay faithful, gotta stay faithful…)

…self.

"Well, I guess that means I have some sort of…CONTROL over you, no?"

"I'm not really scared of dogs!"

(Me: WHATEVER! Hey, who's writing this anyway? STOP IT AND GET ON WITH THE STORY! Or everyone'll get bored and stop reading…"

Remus: How could they? We're so interesting! Anyway, did I just hear you say that Sirius was remarkably attractive? What about me?

Sirius: Hey, you think I'm attractive? Cool!")

Liz and Ellie hit Sirius. Remus hits Sirius. I hit Sirius, as does Charlz, who is me too. Everyone hits Sirius. The tree hits Sirius because it thought it was a game.

Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer appears. Liz faints. 

"And wackiness ensues!" he says, surveying the…er, ensuing wackiness. Poor Liz, missed the quote. 

Then he disappears.

After that suitable amount of dementia and craziness, we can get on with the actual not-plot. Where were we? Ahh yes…

The wackiness stops ensuing, and nobody is worse for wear. Except Sirius, who looks thoroughly bruised, but still really, really…

(Me: STOP IT! Stop thinking about Sirius taking off his…er, hehehe…)

"Heyyy!" says Remus. "Don't you want _me_ to take off my…"

Charlz is distracted.

"Well, actually…"

"STOP IT AND LISTEN TO ME! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR…hang on…TWO PAGES!"

"Sorry Sam. Later, Remus. Go on, Sam."

"Ok, well, as I was saying it'll take…"

"Sam, I'm warning you, I'll turn into a bruised dog…"

"OKAY OKAY! It will take….ALL THAT TIME, hah, got you there didn't I…all that time for us to get to our first destination, Egypt. So, what I propose is putting you all into a magically induced sleep. When we get to Egypt you will wake up and for you no time will have passed at all."

"Okay, whatever, but lets get going!"

So they all pile into the campervan and soon start feeling drowsy after drinking a potion given to them by Sam. 

"Hey, but in three million, six thousand whatever the hell it was years, all our friends and family will be dead!" Charlz thinks before drifting into sleep with everyone else.

Then she wakes up. Looking out the window, as everyone else is, she see a lot of sand, a couple of camels and loads of pyramids. Yes, that's right, *gasp *, they have arrived in stereotype-Egypt.

(The loch ness monster: Why did you gasp?

Me: Where did you come from?

The loch ness monster: Are you stupid or something? I mean, look at my name! LOCH NESS MONSTER! I am the monster of LOCH NESS!"

Me: That theory about me being in control of this whole thing? Well, it's yet to be proved. Let's have a go…"

The loch ness monster: Noooooooo!

Me: Get lost!

The loch ness monster: Nooooooooo…*disappears *

Me: Woohoo! Woohoo! I have some control after all! Not very much , admittedly…)

"Hey, if it's three million seven hundred…" Sirius is saying.

"Three million six thousand!"

"Whatever. Woof woof, remember."

Sam quivers violently. Everyone falls over. 

"Anyway," Sirius continues, "why isn't everything really, well….modern!"

Sam says nothing. Everyone gets out and stares up at a pyramid.

"And, how come Bill Weasley is alive, and flukily here?"

"Well," says Bill, "I just got an unbelievably impossible coincidence warning. And then, BOOM, I'm here!"

"In the future?"

"Well, yeah, I guess so. I didn't know these things could travel in time though…"

He indicates his pager.

"It's a pager. Of course it can't travel in time!"

"No, it's a…."

Bill makes up a word quickly.

"…coincident pager! It beeps when you have to be somewhere or do something completely and utterly freakishly coincidental!"

"Well, no," says Sam. "It can't travel in time. Neither can you. Actually, it's not three million, six thousand and five years in the future. It's two hours later. I was having a joke." He laughs hysterically, evidently thinking it's funny.

Charlz hits Sam. Remus hits Sam. Sirius and Liz hit Sam. Everyone hits Sam. The tree hits Sam because it thought it was a game.

(Me: Hey! There aren't any trees in the desert!"

The tree: Well, evidently there are!"

Me: No, really, there aren't.

The tree: Well, I'm the first one then! Oh wow, I'm so proud!

Me: Er, would you mind leaving please?

The tree: *sticks a little flag saying "I got here first" in the ground and disappears *

The tree: *reappears, sticks another little flag, saying "because I thought it was a game. Read other flag first," by the first one. Disappears again.)

"Anyway," says Charlz, "What shall we do now?"

"Er….not sure."

"I know!!! Let's go and charm some snakes!" says KTF.

"Huh?"

"Well," says Lulu, "I'm going to go and balance on my nose on the point of a pyramid!"

"Yeah, great honey, you go and do that."

Louise goes and does that.

"Hey! I didn't mean it!" Charlz feels that she is rapidly losing what small amount of control over the situation she formerly had.

"This is so fun!" says Louise, still balancing on her nose on top of the nearest pyramid.

"Oh get down!"

"Shan't!"

(Aunt Petunia: Oh Vernon! Dudley's learned a new word!

"For goodness' sake!" Lu shouts. "I wish people would stop confusing me with Dudley Dursley. Hang on, nobody ever has before…oh never mind anyway!"

"I'll burn Wawa. Again. And this time it's for real…"

Lulu appears on the ground again while everyone else wonders what the hell Wawa means.

"Oh dear," says Charlz. "I can't think of anything else that can happen. Er…"

Zoe appears.

"Hey! Put me in! You said you would…."

"Okay okay! Get lost then…"

"Arghhh…I'm LOST!"

Charlz hits Zoe. Remus hits Zoe. Everyone hits Zoe. The tree hits Zoe because it thought it was a game.

"Go away so you can make an amazing entrance!"

"Alright! This is me, going!"

She disappears.

Suddenly Ron and Hermione appear. They are standing back to back, holding guns. Hermione is wearing very, very tight black leather. It looks great on her. Ron is also wearing very, very tight black leather. It looks, to be frank, terrifying. Everyone screams and Ron realises what he is wearing. He disappears and reappears in a tutu and a blonde wig. This is, if it's even possible, even more terrifying. 

"Oh screw!"

He disappears and reappears. This time he is wearing nothing. Everyone is scared, except Hermione, who seems to like it…

"Ron? Much as Hermione likes your present, er……state, PLEASE, please, we do not, so put on some clothes?"

"Oh alright."

He disappears.

"Not fair!" Hermione grumbles.

Ron reappears wearing normal clothing. Finally. He looks around, wondering what the hell is going on. He takes a few steps and trips over Hermione.

"You idiot!"

"Not my fault!"

"It was SO your fault!"

"Sorry."

"What's that supposed to mean!"

"Sorry?"

"YOU ARE SO INCONSIDERATE! You men are ALL THE SAME!"

Everyone looks puzzled at that complete lack of logic. Hermione aims her gun at Ron. Ron stares at it in wide eyed horror, then laughs as it turns pink and shoots water at him.

(Me: Actually, it's lemonade.

Everyone: Shut up!

Me: Sorry! God, I thought I was supposed to be running this show! Grumble grumble rah rah rah…not like anyone's listening anyway…)

Zoe appears wearing little fluffy wings and carrying a cute quiver and a teeny bow.

"I am Cupid!"

"You are Zoe."

"I am Cupid! Whaaaa!"

Zoe stamps her foot and cries.

"Shut up."

(Zoe: *shuts up *)

"Anyway, I am here because YOU…"

(Zoe: *points dramatically at Ron and Hermione, who look startled *)

"…are MEANT TO BE TOGETHER!"

(Harry/Hermione shipper: *appears *

Zoe: ARGHHH! DIE DIE DIE!!!!!

Me: NO! *turns to Harry/Hermione shipper * GET KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS GET KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS GET KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS!!!!! 

Harry/Hermione shipper: Yeah, right, in your absolute dreams! *disappears *)

****

(A/N – I am NOT having a go at H/H shippers, so if that's YOU, no offence and you know, sorry!)

Anyway, on with the not-plot!

Zoe gets out a couple of little arrows from her cute quiver.

"Noooo!" Freyja screams as she takes aim. "You're not cupid! They're not magic arrows of love! You'll…kill them," she finishes as Zoe looses the arrows at Ron and Hermione. Due to Zoe's abominable aim, they don't die, but they do look to be in a lot of pain.

"This is NOT going well! First day on the bloody job aswell! I am _so_ out of here!"

She disapparates.

"Oh no! What are we going to do!!!"

Sam panics at the sight of blood and people in pain.

"Well, it's my story, and what I say goes. And I say…they never got shot!"

"You know," says Hermione to Ron. "I've never, ever been shot!"

"No, me neither!"

"It's great never having been shot, isn't it?"

"Absolutely!"

Zoe appears again. Everyone screams.

"No arrows, no arrows I promise!"

(Everyone: *stops screaming *)

"I just want to say," she turns to Ron and Hermione, "GET TOGETHER NOW!"

"Okay!" say Ron and Hermione. Zoe disapparates as Hermione and Ron start kissing passionately and pulling at each others' clothes. Everyone leaves them to it and decides to take a tour of the pyramids to start their holiday.

__

So now I've got to end this thing

In my trademark poetic way

Unfortunately it's going to be hard

Because I don't know what to say

My poetic talent has all gone

It really is a shame

But still I will go on and on

'Cause it has to end the same!

So on and on I'm going

Can't think of anything new

Well I wish that it was snowing 

And now I've made a completely irrelevent remark

And thought of something to rhyme with it – it's dark?

Pathetic I know

But on with the show…

So now you've read, review!

BWAAA HAA HAAAAA!!

Me: turns into a bat and flies off *

Random person: Hey you already did that today!

Me: *turns back into me * Get lost!

Random person: Arghh nooo! I'm…*disappears in a flash of green light*

Me: *stands there holding a wand * BWA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!! *turns into a bat and flies off *

__


End file.
